Absolution
by Lady Aquinas
Summary: When it comes down to it, does Mick have what it takes to let Beth go? And if not, will she ever forgive him?
1. Chapter 1

It's funny how the knowledge of your own impending death opens the door for regret. She'd always thought she'd live well into old age, complete with greying hair, wrinkles and photos of her children and her children's children lining her walls. Yet even as this image floated through her mind she felt a deep sense of relief. Relief that Mick wouldn't have to watch her get old and die. A quick death now was better than the inevitably one that would come at the end of a long life. 'Inoperable' the Doctor had said, followed by words such as 'I'm sorry', 'not much time' and 'settle your affairs'. Outside the surgery people milled about, some hurrying here and there, others laughing and talking with friends, family, lovers. She watched as a couple, oblivious to everyone else, embraced, warm lips making contact, eyes seeing only each other. In her chest, her heart ached, tears welling up at the corner of her eyes. There was so much she hadn't done, so much she hadn't experienced. She would never get married, never have babies, and never make love to her soul mate. She knew that there was a way she could have all of this and freeze death before it could claim her, but she also knew, as sure as the sun would set, that she couldn't do it. 'Settle your affairs' the Doctors voice said again in her mind. She made her way to her car parked at the curb, started the engine and headed home. She didn't have time for regrets.

Three hours later, as the sun was sliding from the sky she knocked on his door, knowing that by know he should be awake. He opened it, staring down at her with tousled hair and warm eyes and she bit her tongue to stop herself from breaking down right then and there. 'Hey' she said, glad her voice sounded so normal. 'Hey'. He stood aside motioning her in, and as she passed him she inhaled his scent, wanting to memorise it so that later, when she left, she could take it with her. 'Everything ok?' he asked, a frown marring his handsome features. 'Yep' she said dropping down onto the couch. 'You Sure? You seem a little..off'. 'Just tired I guess' she said. 'So to what do I owe this pleasure?' he asked taking a seat opposite her, long legs stretched out in front of him. Brown eyes bored into her as if searching out her most hidden secrets. 'I have to go away for a few days actually and I thought I'd pop in and say hello before I left'. She hoped it sounded convincing enough. He stared at her and said nothing. She stared down at her hands nervously, saw that they were clenched so tightly her knuckles where white, and released them. 'Where are you off to?' he finally asked. 'New York. I need to do some research on a story'. His eyes narrowed slightly. 'Anyway' she said rising from her seat, 'I better get going or I'm going to miss my flight'. 'Do you want a lift to the airport?' he asked walking her to the door. 'No. It's fine. I've got a taxi picking me up from home in half an hour'. 'I'll see you when you get back?' he asked. 'Of course' she agreed with a soft smile. They stood there looking at one another, and for the space of a heartbeat she nearly gave in. Nearly reached out and kissed him, nearly broke down and told him everything. He was the first to look away and it gave her the impetus she needed. She turned and walked down the hallway, her heart splintering into a thousand tiny shards. From his place in the doorway he watched her move away from him. Her heartbeat pounded in his ears, her lies slicing into him like the sharpest of blades. Why was she lying to him? What wasn't she saying? The elevator arrived and just before she moved into it she took one final last look at him, and it was enough to tell him everything he needed to know.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note:

Hopefully the layout and structure of this chapter won't confuse or put too many people off. In order to better get into the characters thought processes I felt it necessary to switch to first person. Feedback, as always, is much appreciated.

Absolution

Chapter Two

Beth drove home in a daze, not having any concept of time or place. Parking her car in the garage she made her way up to her apartment, unlocked it and walked in. She placed her keys on the kitchen bench and switched the kettle on. She changed her mind, switched the kettle off and pulled a half empty bottle of bourbon from the pantry. Pouring herself a large glass she walked over to her couch, sat down and took a large mouthful, relishing the burn as it travelled down her throat. 'Still alive,' she thought humourlessly, 'just enough to feel the pain'. The sun had set and the room was shrouded in darkness. Her hand reached out to turn on the lamp but pulled back as if burnt. She wasn't supposed to be here. No lights, no sign of life, no one home. Leaning her head back she stared up at the ceiling, watching as the lights from the traffic down below reflected up creating swirling patterns on the white paint. The shrill ringing of her mobile broke the silence, startling her. Pulling it from her jacket she read the name on the screen 'Mick St John'. Her fingers itched to open it, her whole being craving the sound of his voice. She let it ring.

'Hi, you've reached Beth Turner. Sorry I can't take your call right now but….' He hung up, not sure what to say when the beep came to leave a message. What about 'Hey, how are you, is there something you wanna tell me?' Or 'I get this strange feeling that something's terribly wrong' or maybe even, 'Hey Beth, my vampire senses tell me that you're not well'. Maybe he was losing his mind. Maybe he was looking into it too deep and everything was fine. Yet he didn't think so. He felt it in his gut, as if at a deeper level there was no space between them and her soul cried out to his. He recalled the look in her eyes just before she stepped into the elevator and he cringed remembering the simple finality of it. As if in that one glance she had said goodbye, forever. He tried her number again but got no answer. Would she be on the plane right now? He'd give it an hour, maybe two, and then try again. 'In the meantime' he thought sliding into his long overcoat, 'I think I'll pay a little visit to Buzzwire and Mo. See what she knows'.

**Mick**

The office was nearly deserted when I arrived. Only a skeleton staff manned the place and I was thankful to see that Mo was one of them. 'Hey Mick. What brings you here at this lonely time of night'? She was a no-nonsense woman who seemed to be perpetually in motion. 'I was wondering if you had a contact number for Beth in New York. Something's come up and I need to speak to her'. She stopped then and looked at me in confusion. 'New York? She told me she was headed to Miami. Asked for a week off.' 'Did she say anything else?' I asked, feeling a dread settle in the pit of my stomach. 'Not much. Just that she needed a break. She hasn't had so much as a sick day since she started working here, so who am I to say no right? Do you think something's wrong?' 'I'm not sure, but I don't wanna take any chances. You mind if I look at her desk?' She hesitated for a moment and my mind was already thinking ahead to how I could sneak back in later when she said: 'Sure. I'm certain she won't mind'. I thanked her and moved over to Beth's desk. It's surface was clean and I felt a strange relief that the picture of Josh that normally sat there was gone. I opened her top drawer and saw the usual stuff, pens, clips, stapler. The second one was much the same, a bunch of office paraphernalia. The third drawer however offered up a simple spiral notebook, it's green cover marred through good use. I flicked through it hurriedly, searching for something I didn't know. It was a diary, and many of its pages were filled with appointments and numbers or ideas for possible stories. Her handwriting was flowing, and reminded me of my mother. I found yesterdays date and began to read. 12:30- Dr Westwood. It seemed innocuous enough but I recalled that last look and sensed that the two were connected somehow. There was no phone number or address and I knew it would do no good to ask Mo. Beth was intensely private and drew a fine line between work and her personal life. I replaced the diary and nodded to Mo on my way out. I made it home in record time and booted up my computer. I found him after five minutes and what I read on the screen caused my heart to drop to the floor. Neurologist. I decided then and there to pay a little visit to the Doctor's office, which at this time of night would be empty. The drive over seemed to take forever and all I could think was 'Please let her be alright'.

**Beth**

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up some time later with gritty swollen eyes and in pitch black darkness. I found my way to the shower, stripped off my clothes and let the hot water sooth me as much as it could. Strangely, I felt cold as if all the warmth in my world and my body had left me. Was this how Mick felt? This feeling of utter desolation and hopelessness? I was crying again, thinking of how much suffering he had and would go through in his long life. I prayed that he'd forget me quickly and that my memory wouldn't haunt him. As much I regretted never having told him that I loved him, I understood that it was probably a blessing. The water went cold and I wrapped a towel around my body and headed for my bedroom. Reaching into my closet I found the small bundle on the top shelf that I had placed there a few months back. Carrying it over to my bed I pulled back the paper sheeting and removed a single item of clothing. A shirt. Mick's shirt. The one I'd woken up in after my experience with Black Crystal. Bringing it to my nose I inhaled, smelling familiar scent that always managed to drive me crazy with wanting and needing. The towel dropped to the carpet and I slipped the shirt over my head. It felt cool against my skin and I felt tears roll down my face. Strange how different emotions can take up residence at one time. My heart was broken, my life all but over, and yet here I was feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to tear the shirt from my body and rip it into a million pieces. My legs suddenly gave way and I collapsed to the ground, my energy and will depleted. I lay there for a long time until eventually, mercifully, sleep claimed me once more.


End file.
